Torment
by lil'nomdeplume
Summary: For the first time in a long time, Tony's left to fight his demons alone. Treacherous territory for an already tormented mind. A fic for Halloween.
1. Chapter 1

_**This one wasn't written for Halloween originally. I'd started writing it in order to process for myself the emotional mess Civil War had left our couple in. (Which is why I didn't dare upload it before we were able to get a little light at the end of our tunnel again. Because it is QUITE heavy). But now it's perfect for Halloween! LOL! What a difference a year makes, right? ;)**_

 _ **And since we're once again in a good (read "great) place with our couple, I've decided to share it with you. It's a bit of a psychological thriller, if you will. So here's the first chapter of a few more to come soon! :D**_

 _ **One last note- I know this timeline is a little off because Spidey HC took place a short time after Civil War, so our lovebirds weren't apart for that long. But remember- WE had to wait for over a year for our fandom to finally get some relief from the horribleness of the break up. So, in the meantime, well...**_

 _ **Happy Halloween! And Happy Reading! I hope you enjoy it.**_

 **XxXxXxXxXx**

 _"...Remember when I moved in you? And the holy dove was moving too? And every breath we drew was Hallelujah?..."_

 _(Leonard Cohen, "Hallelujah")_

He couldn't deny it. _T_ _his_ year was going to be _different._ Years ago, when it was all still so fresh and raw, he could avoid thinking about it by burying himself in a heap of nameless pretty faces, with gallons of alcohol to distract him.

And, in those early days, when the parties would finally end, and the women were sent home, it was always just she and him together- _alone_ in that house.

Her eyes would watch him, as if she were waiting on the edge of a knife, in the chance he would finally let himself unravel and break apart so she could be right there to help put him back together. She'd told him she'd stay there all night if she needed to, even when he'd tried to mask over the moment, and shoo her out the door. " _You don't have to try to be brave, you know._ _P_ _eople are allowed to hurt when they're grieving, Tony,"_ she'd tell him. " _There's no shame in any of it. So let yourself off the hook for once."_ But despite her encouragement, he never surrendered to his emotions. His pride wouldn't allow it. So instead, he'd just go quiet, muttering something about not really caring if she stayed or left (even though he was always relieved when she'd chose to stay), and plunk down heavily on the living room sofa.

Pepper would come to sit with him, though at the other end. And silence would soon sit in between them. But she'd continue to watch him out of the corner of her eye. And _wait._

However, he'd always continue to refuse to let himself succumb. So, instead, he would close his eyes, and let out a long, laborious sigh as he'd lie down with his head in her lap. Done without asking her, but with the assumption she'd welcome it. After all, it was _she_ that had chosen to stay and be of comfort to him. And Pepper never objected. Instead, the delicate touch of her fingers would begin to wind gentle paths through his hair- something she secretly knew he loved. As he would eventually drift off to sleep, the affection breaking the boss/employee barrier, and crossing into what they'd always known was there, but had never openly acknowledged- a deeply-rooted, protective love for one another.

 _That_ was the difference between then and now. She wasn't _there_ this time. And she wasn't _going_ to be there, _either._ So, he was left to navigate the memory of this day's events in all of their brutal reality. _Alone._ And in this head-space that he'd only just recently come into, he wasn't who he used to be, he knew that for sure. But he also knew he wasn't just yet what he needed to become.

All of that week prior, he'd fought hard to stay occupied. He'd started a million different meaningless projects, all in the name of keeping his mind busy, only to stall out quickly after. And on and on it had gone, an exercise in futility, until he realized the pattern and gave up all together, relegating himself to his private quarters to spend hours staring out the window at the December snow piled outside the compound. A whiskey tumbler was always in his hand, and kept full, a desperate effort in trying to numb this overwhelmingly raw loneliness that covered his whole body like heavy black pitch. However, the alcohol was utterly _failing_ to do its job. And, truthfully, he found that to be a very scary reality. _So NOW what am I supposed to do?,_ he wondered, the frightening prospect that his subconscious might suddenly decide to answer that question at some point always looming over him.

He hadn't drank like this in years. He hadn't _wanted_ to. Pepper had helped him to kick the need for it, her love essentially replacing one high for another, if he was being honest. Though the light she'd brought into his life far surpassed any other method of attaining euphoria he'd _ever_ experienced, which he was endlessly grateful for. But, as flimsy of an excuse as it was, without that light, alcohol was now his last line of defense against the impending darkness. So it was easy to imagine his disappointment when it proved to do _nothing_ to ease the feeling of hurt piled on top of hurt. It only served to make his limbs feel lead-laden, causing him to collapse into the chair by the window, the ache as raw as ever.

He hadn't bothered to ask _why_ it wasn't working. _You know why,_ he thought. _What have you got to live for?_ _Everything you've ever had, ever LOVED is gone. Destroyed. And for what? The world is as treacherous of a place as it ever was, if not worse. So all of your blood, sweat, and tears? All of your sacrifice? It was for nothing. You've lost any friends you ever had. You've lost Pepper. You've officially lost the war, Stark. You've got NOTHING._

Tony chuckled bitterly to himself, and took another pull off his glass. "Maybe I should just do myself a favor, and end it already," he heard himself mutter. Then, slowly, his chuckling stopped. He then frowned at the foreign-sounding words that had come out of his mouth, and the thought of what he was actually saying. _Out loud._

" _End_ it," he said again, the finality of the statement seeping into his bones. He blinked, startled again by their meaning, in disbelief that his mind _had,_ in fact, finally high-jacked his logic and dared to go to this dark place.

" _No,_ " he refused, emphatically shaking his head. "I'm _not_ a quitter _._ I won't give up like that. That would just be..." but his voice trailed off.

He glared at the floor in front of him as he worked his jaw in thought.

 _You DID once say you couldn't live without her,_ his subconscious argued. _Yet here you are. That makes you a LIAR._

"Don't put that on me," Tony muttered to himself. "I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't _leave_ her like..."

 _Like what? Like she's left YOU? Face it. Those words meant NOTHING to her. So why would she care if you lived or died, NOW?_

"She would. She _does._ Pepper isn't like that. She might hate me right now. But I know, someday, she'll see that I'm..."

 _SOME-day?! Oh, how pathetic are YOU? You're really gonna wait for 'someday'?!,_ the voice in his mind retorted.

"Damn it! Stop!" Tony huffed at himself angrily. He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to silence his mind. He gritted his teeth as hot tears flooded his eyes, which made him squeeze the lids closed even more in an attempt to force the emotion back. His chest heaved, and he sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He set his glass down, and put his head in his hands, trying to soothe the searing ache that began in his chest, and coursed savagely through his body. "Come on, man. Sack up," he scolded. Then he sharply raised his head, trying desperately to catch his breath. "I don't need Pepper as much as I think I do. I'm better on my own. I'm fine. I'll be fine," he muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face. He nodded trying to further convince himself of the notion, but his chin began to quiver defiantly.

"Jesus, get a grip on yourself. What're you _doing?"_ he demanded. In an attempt to divert his attention, he let his eyes glance around the room, landing slowly, methodically on each object. He'd taken up residency here, at the compound, since he and Pepper had separated. His private quarters were devoid of her influence in décor. And, at the moment, he was grateful for it. The _last_ thing he needed was to be surrounded by objects in a room that would only serve as constant reminders of her. It was a petty thing to be concerned about, he knew, but he didn't care. In a struggle to maintain his sanity, every little bit helped. He would take his comfort where he could get it.

It occurred to him that he had succeeded in quieting the argument taking place in his mind for the moment, and he took a deep breath. He sank back against the chair, and closed his eyes, focusing on the sound of the air entering and leaving his lungs. Then he opened his eyes, and looked around. The light in the room had changed, and suddenly he realized it was quickly becoming evening.

"Sir?" FRIDAY said, her voice breaking the silence around him. Tony's eyes flicked upwards, but he stayed silent.

The AI continued. "Your vital signs are indicating distress. Are you alright?" she asked.

"Fine, FRIDAY. Just blowing off a little anxiety. Leave me alone, alright?" Tony answered defensively.

"Yes, Sir," she answered. "Also, it _is_ approaching the dinner hour. Shall I order..."

" _No,_ " Tony said sternly. "Leave me alone means leaves me _alone._ Got it?"

"Got it. Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Stark."

Tony heard a muted beep, the sound of FRIDAY going offline for the night, and he lumbered to sit forward again. He let out a loud groan, and scrubbed his face with his hands one more time before slowly rising to trudge into his bedroom. He grabbed his nearly emptied glass, pausing to down the rest of what was in it, and then stopped at the sink in the kitchenette to deposit it before continuing on his way.

Once he reached his bedroom doorway, he toed off his shoes, quickly shucked off his pants, kicking them to the side, and yanked his outer shirt up and over his head, flinging it carelessly across the room. Clad only in his tank-top undershirt, boxer briefs, and socks, he proceeded to crawl into bed on all fours before collapsing onto his stomach. Then he grabbed his pillow and pulled it to his chest. He let out another long, laborious breath, and closed his eyes. _No point in staying awake,_ he thought. _The best I can hope for is to sleep the rest of this day off._

 _XxXxXxXx_

 _A soft knock came at the door, and Tony stirred in his sleep, unsure if he'd heard anything at all._

 _"Tony?" he soon heard someone say on the other side of it. Instantly his eyes popped open, and his mind cleared, his heart leaping at the familiarity of the voice- s_ _o tender and sweet sounding- that he instantly smiled._

 _Pepper!, his groggy mind thought._

 _He felt the weight of his despair instantly lift off of his body as he briskly climbed out of bed and marched toward the door._ _He twisted the knob, and yanked open the door. As sure as he was alive and breathing, there in front of him stood his long lost love._

 _"Pepper," he whispered in confirmation, exhaling slowly in relief as he spoke. Her crystal-clear, ocean-colored eyes looked back at him, as warm and loving as ever._

 _"Yes," she said, beeming in affirmation, her face practically glowing. "I'm here! I made it. And I'm here!"_

 _"I knew you would be," he said, reaching for her, and pulling her into his arms. "I knew I wouldn't have to be alone, baby. Not today."_

 _"No, not today," she repeated. He felt her arms wrap around his neck and pull him close, and he squeezed his eyes shut at the blissful sensation._

 _Back in my arms!, he thought. Where you're supposed to be!_

 _She pulled back to look at him after a moment, and smiled at him again, simultaneously raising a hand to lovingly stroke his cheek. Briefly, the flutter in his chest from the feeling of her touch made his eyes close, unable to help relishing it._

 _This is REAL. She's REALLY HERE, he thought. I don't have to hurt anymore!_

 _He opened his eyes again, smiling once more at his love. "Stay," he urged. "Tell me you're going to stay."_

 _"Shhhhhhh," she said again. But before he had the chance to argue, her lips were on his, and he immediately relented. Everything he could remember about her kiss came flooding back, and he was helpless against it- the taste of her mouth, the feel of her lips on his, the warm, sweet scent of her skin. It was as if she'd never left. It was as if, for all of that time they'd been apart, he'd been imprisoned in the hell of his own heartache, and she'd suddenly come to set him free._

 _Slowly, Pepper broke the kiss, and Tony opened his eyes to look at her, his gaze pleading with her to agree she could never leave. They BELONGED here now. Together. In this place. He knew it with every fiber of his being. And for the life of him, he couldn't remember the reasons why it COULDN'T be that way._

 _"Pepper, I can't lose you. Not again. You can't leave me. I need you. PLEASE...I..." he began again, but she stopped him by gently laying her fingertips on his lips. He stopping talking, obliging, but he frowned at her in confusion._

 _"I can't stay for long. You KNOW this," she told him softly. But, on the contrary, she grasped his hand, and began leading him to the bed._

 _Tony shook his head. "No. I DON'T," he argued, as they walked. "You can't leave me like this, Pepper. PLEASE stay. For good. I need you. I can't do this anymore. I can't LIVE without you."_

 _Pepper turned them so that Tony was facing her, his back to the edge of the mattress. And with a gentle nudge to the chest, and a slight smirk, she pushed him downward to sit on the edge of it._

 _He did as she'd urged him to do, but looked up at her with a frown. "Pep?" he said. "Did you hear what I said? I need you, baby. I can't live like this any more," he pleaded once more._

 _Pepper just gave him a sorrowful smile. "I heard you," she told him. "And my answer is...Pre-CISELY," she murmured._

 _He watched as she proceeded to straddle his lap. She then laid her hands on his chest, and gently pushed him backwards, so as to lay him on his back. Tony allowed this, staying quiet, waiting for what would happen next._

 _But then, Pepper placed her hand at his neck, over his windpipe. And slowly, methodically, she began to squeeze._

 _His eyes instantly went wide, and his hands raced to his throat to try to pry hers away. "Pep? Pepper?! What're you doing? What is this? What're you doing?" he asked, going from confusion to terror as she placed her other hand just over the first. Then she leaned over the top of him, putting all of her weight on his throat, fully cutting off his air supply._

 _He began to gasp for air, and he tried furiously to fight her, finding it surprisingly impossible to shift her weight, or her grasp, even the tiniest bit. But Pepper kept her pressure steady, her eyes darkened and sad with her now obvious intended purpose._

 _"You said it yourself, Tony," she reminded him. "You can't live without me. So I'm not going to make you."_

 _He gripped both her wrists now, clawing wildly at her skin. He kicked and squirmed, trying desperately to free himself from her grasp to no avail. "D-don't...I don't w-want to..." he begged, his voice choked._

 _"Shhhhhhh, quiet now," Pepper urged, leaning father down over him so they were more face to face, while increasing the pressure on his esophagus. His vision began to blur, and he blinked rapidly, coughing and gagging. His heart thundered in his ears, and his lungs burned with deprivation._

 _But she continued, as if she were made of stone, choking his life away, millisecond by millisecond. "It really is better this way," she said, her voice weak and soaked with despair. "Don't you see, Tony? This has to be. You can't live like this. You said so yourself."_

 _He stared at her, his eyes frantic, not believing that the love of his life could be so heartlessly malicious. "P-please, Pep..." he gasped with his last breath, his strength completely sapped. "P-please."_

 _"Sleep, Tony. Just sleep. I'm saving you from all of this. It'll all be over soon," he heard her whisper to him, before his vision blurred to complete darkness, and his body gave out..._

 _XxXxXxXxXx_

Tony suddenly jerked awake, instantly jolting upright as he choked for breath. He violently gasped and coughed, his body racked each time as he fought to fill his lungs, each breath assuring him Pepper hadn't succeeded. Then, a sharp stab gripped his heart, and he grunted loudly as he vigorously began rubbing his breast bone, squeezing his eyes shut from the intense pain.

"Sir?! It's appears you're in severe cardiac and respiratory distress! I'm calling the paramedics!" FRIDAY frantically announced. But Tony, unable to yet speak, just waved her away in dismissal. He fell back against his mattress, and inhaled deeply a few times, sucking air in and out through his mouth, as the pain subsided.

 _"No,_ Friday!" he finally barked, his voice hoarse. "Don't! I'm fine. I'll be _fine."_

"But, _Sir!"_ FRIDAY urged. "You _could_ be..."

"I'm _not..._ "

"But you _could_ be..." the AI urged.

"Fine!" Tony, throwing his hands up in defeat. "Do a GOD DAMNED vitals scan, FRIDAY! Tell me I'm DYING! I'm begging you!"

A few seconds of silence filled the air before she replied.

"Beginning scan," she finally said flatly.

Tony watched as the infrared light passed slowly over his body. When it had completed it path from the top of his head down to the tip of his toes, and back up again, he raised his eyes expectantly toward the ceiling and huffed. " _Well?!"_ he demanded.

"All bodily systems are in perfect working order, Sir," she informed him. "Everything is _normal."_

"So, I'm _not_ dying?" Tony goaded dryly. "Good to know."

"Sir," FRIDAY said, her voice pleading. "You may not be dying. But you're not _well,_ either. I think you _know_ this."

Tony had started batting his pillow back into shape as Friday spoke. But he immediately stopped, his face pained with the reality of her words.

He worked his jaw in thought for a moment.

FRIDAY went on. "And I think you _also_ know what would make you feel _better, too,"_ she wagered.

Tony scoffed with a snide smile, and then crudely yanked the blanket covering his bed over the top of him. "Ah, ah, ah! You almost had me for a second there!" he said, waggling a finger in the air. "But I've _tried_ that already. You _know_ this. And you also know she doesn't want to talk to me. So, _now_ it's time to say good _night,_ Friday," he sneered. "So _good night,_ Friday."

An audible frustrated sigh could be heard in the intercom system in response. "Good _night,_ Sir," the AI replied in defeat. Once again, the muted beep signifying her going off line sounded.

And Tony was, once more, _alone_.

Soon, however, he felt the familiar ache of misery seep into his bones, and hot tears involuntarily began to well in his eyes once more. Again, he slammed them shut in an attempt to fight them off, and brought the back of his hand to his lips, trying to get control of his composure.

" _Why,"_ he murmured, after a moment. " _Why_ did I have to dream...she'd _never..._ " He couldn't bring himself to name the horrific act Pepper had tried to carry out in his nightmare. He swallowed hard, and shook his head in disbelief at what evil his subconscious had conjured up. _"Please!"_ he begged in a raspy whisper. Then raised his gaze to the heavens. "No more. I'm done. I don't want to hurt over her anymore. I quit," he said, not really sure who, or what, he was talking to. Just that he wanted it to be known in the universe that, he, Tony Stark, was surrendering.

 _It's about time._ _Really. You're miserable. Look at you. Back to being alone and pathetic. Some things never change._

" _Don't,_ " Tony warned. "Come on. Cut me some slack. I'm doing the best I can."

 _Has that EVER been enough?,_ his mind challenged.

Tony narrowed his eyes. The silence of the room hummed in his ears, begging for him to utter something to break it. But, instead, he pursed his lips in refusal.

However, unsatisfied, his subconscious continued to hammer him. _What're you gonna do now? You're sick of the taste of Scotch. You can't stand the thought of sleeping with another woman. All you want is HER. All you want is..._

"Peace," Tony muttered, his own voice echoing in his ears. "Just one moment's _peace."_

Tony hadn't felt a sense of peace in years. The last time he could remember feeling any was when Pepper had moved in. He recalled the first night she'd spent at the mansion as his _official_ live-in girlfriend, and how happy and hopeful they'd been. She'd moved in on a Friday, and they'd spent the whole subsequent weekend celebrating- drinking wine, laughing, making love, and soaking in every blissful millisecond they could together. It seemed they'd successfully created their own private sanctuary, safe from the doom and gloom of the world outside, where there seemed to be only love and promise ahead for them.

But the truth _was,_ his and Pepper's separation now seemed inevitable to him. All of the signs had been there. Their lives had soon spiraled away from each other. And the time they _did_ spend together usually ended with them arguing, and sleeping separately. Not to mention his creation of Ultron being the final straw for her. _Let alone,_ the fact that he felt so bound by the duties of being Iron Man, that, despite his own adamant denial, it became plain that there wasn't room in his life for her any longer.

"It was so meant to be. How did we get it so wrong?" Tony muttered. He closed his eyes, trying to comfort to his ravaged soul in some way, with some memory that wasn't contaminated by recent events.

 _The way they gazed at each other, when he moved in her, as if they were the only two people left on the planet. As if the entire world had fallen away, and it was just the two of them, left to love, to live in full completeness, in tandem, their skin, their minds, their hearts, the breath in their lungs becoming one, so much so that the if one heart were to instantly stop beating, surely so would the other._

 _Her eyes seemed to gaze past the exterior and into his consciousness, into his very core to where the essence of his existence had laid buried for so long, uncovered only by her love and acceptance, that it was as though she held him now in the palm of her hand- he being hers to protect. And she, his._

In truth, the comfort he'd found from the well of reminiscence had run dry long before now. His mind was exhausted with the exercise of trying to replay their most tender moments, as he knew once they ended, he'd just find himself alone again. And that meant having to painfully come down from the high, as the faint whispers of her voice, the warm, sweet scent of her skin, and the decadent taste of her kiss, flitted away into the ether.

"Still. She's _got_ to know what day this is," he reasoned. _Is it true? Does she honestly not care anymore?,_ he thought. The idea made his blood run cold. If she _didn't_ care, then...

 _Maybe you shouldn't either,_ his mind told him. _Maybe this is the end of the line for you. You've done your part. You've paid your price. And it wasn't enough. Time to let it all go._

Tony snorted, scoffing. "Oh, _really?_ " he asked snidely. "You really think I've got the balls to go through with something like that?"

 _When have you ever backed down from a challenge?,_ his mind argued.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony frowned, unable to counter the argument. So, instead, he got out of bed and padded to the bathroom. The light flickered on when his motion into the room was detected, and he walked to the vanity. He came to stand in front of the mirror, his reflection making him pause to examine it. His eyes were dull, and his cheeks were pale and gaunt. He hadn't really been eating well, or taking care of himself like he once did. Pepper always saw to it when they were a couple that his diet was, for the most part, healthy, and he knew he had to stay fit to be able to endure hours spent in the suit. But since they'd parted, he'd hardly kept up with any of it. Eating, something he'd _always_ loved to do, had become a nuisance now. So most of the time he would just forego it, unless he just couldn't stand the hunger pains anymore. Then it was usually something ordered in, or scavenged from the compounds' community kitchen cupboards. Always packaged. Always processed. And virtually lacking _any_ nutritional value. Who had time to cook, let alone _learn_ to cook?, he'd reasoned. _That was Pepper's department, anyway,_ he thought, his mind automatically sparking with the fond memories of all of the times she'd cooked for him, and how loved, and well-cared for, it had made him feel each time.

But before that spark had the chance to fully ignite, Tony pushed it out of his mind as he turned on the cold water in the faucet, and bent down to splash his face a few times. Then he yanked the hand towel from the holder beside the sink and dried his face, watching himself do this in the mirror.

Suddenly, though, something caught his eye.

It was an orange pill bottle full of prescription-strength pain killers sitting on his vanity. He'd got them just after the fight with Steve in Siberia all of those months ago. He'd not used any of them, though, as he'd assured the doctor he'd seen that he was accustomed to operating with a certain level of pain, and prescribing him anything was pretty much pointless. Yet, he'd refused to let Tony walk out without them. So, there they'd sat since then, on his vanity, collecting dust.

Until _now._

He grasped the bottle, and slowly rolled it back and forth in his fingers as he read the label. _Anthony Stark. Hydrocodone. Take one by mouth every 4-6 hours with food._

 _Quick and quiet. Just down 'em. Close your eyes, and wait for the darkness to come,_ his subconscious hissed.

He startled at the unwelcome, intrusive thought that had suddenly snaked its way through his brain, and he slammed the bottle back down on the counter. The pills inside rattled noisily. He gritted his teeth, and set his jaw, as he stared at his reflection in the mirror, nostrils flared in anger. "Like a _chump?"_ he challenged. "I'm in a building full of weapons, and you think I'd pick...that I'd..."

His eyes widened, and he quickly stopped talking, his mind spinning in confusion. Was he _really_ arguing with himself about _how_ he'd do it, now? No longer _if_ he'd do it?

He rolled his eyes at himself in disbelief, and scrubbed a hand down his face, chuckling darkly. He shook his head. "This is crazy. I'm losing my mind. I must be crazy," he muttered.

He flicked his eyes back up to the mirror to eye his own reflection one more time, but just as his eyes were about to meet what he thought would be his own, he violently startled at what- or _who,_ was staring back at him...

The mousy brown, shoulder length hair parted down the middle. The metallic gleam of the left arm. And the _eyes_. Those darkened, menacing, soulless eyes staring daggers at him. It was...

" _Bucky?!"_ Tony gasped, staggered backwards, and knocking the orange pill bottle off the counter, the cap coming loose and loudly spilling the contents all over the tile in the process, the little round white pills bouncing all over the floor around his feet. He huffed, and swallowed the lump in his throat, struggling to catch his balance and falling hard against the opposite wall. His breath ragged, he hastily swiped at his eyes, trying to clear his vision. After a moment, he slowly lumbered to stand upright once more, and ambled cautiously back to the mirror, unsure of who's reflection he'd be seeing. But as he stepped in front of the vanity once more, he sighed heavily in relief, and nodded. "Just my imagination," he muttered, relieved to be seeing his own face looking back at him.

He examined his reflection for a moment longer, to make that indeed it would _remain_ his. Once he was sure, his eyes were the last to leave the view, before he turned his back on the mirror, and bent down to grab the prescription bottle off the floor. He started to pick up the spilled pills, his hands trembling as he gathered each one. Clearly, the surge of adrenaline that had flooded his body hadn't yet dissipated. But eventually, every tablet was recovered. So he replaced the cap, and slowly set the bottle down on the vanity again, taking one last look at himself in the mirror as he did it.

This time he noticed even more so the pallor of his skin, and the dark circles under his eyes. "God, I've _gotta_ get some sleep," he muttered. He shook his head in disbelief at how he appeared, and what tricks his mind had started playing on him, before he turned his back once again on the mirror, and trudged back out of the bathroom, the light automatically flickering off behind him as he exited through the doorway.

He eased himself back into bed, and yanked the blankets over his head. He closed his eyes, and tried to focus on his breathing, listening to the air slowly fill his lungs, and then exit them, over and over again. But it wasn't working. His mind wouldn't shut off. The ceaseless, chattering whispers had begun again, resuming their cruel barrage.

 _No need to live like this._

 _No need to live._

 _Just do it._

 _Quick and quiet._

 _Painless._

 _Drift away._

 _It wouldn't take long._

 _Let her know you never meant to hurt her._

 _Let her know you love her._

 _You've always loved her._

 _Write her a note._

 _She's the love of your life._

 _Leave her with that._

 _You're better off apart._

 _She's better off without you._

 _This was never meant to be._

 _It's your fault._

 _You didn't deserve her._

 _You never deserved her._

 _You'll never deserve her._

 _You're alone now._

 _You'll always be alone._

 _Do the world a favor and..._

Tony growled and sat straight up in bed again, slinging the blankets off of him in frustration. " _Damn_ it!" he barked, fists clenched and teeth gritted. He was trembling again, though this time it was out of both anger and agony, as he had many times in recent months, when his thoughts began to pile up inside his brain, drowning him in relentless, panic-ridden misery.

He remembered the only thing that used to stop the psychological warfare and calm him down in the past, after the same feelings would overtake him- which usually came on after a particularly grueling mission, or even after the frequent nightmares he'd experienced since the Battle with the Loki and the Chitauri in New York. It was the feeling of Pepper's arms wrapping around him, pulling him to her chest, and stroking his hair, his back, his arms, holding him tightly until the trembling would stop and he could close his eyes. He'd hear the sweet hum of her voice, shushing him, and murmuring soft loving words to ease his mind- _"It's okay. I'm here. It's over now. I've got you. I love you."_

"I love you, too, baby," Tony murmured now. "I need you. Where are you, Pepper? I need you."

He fell silent, his tortured heart waiting for an answer his rational mind knew wasn't going to come. Instead, the soul-piercing hum of the silence around him filled his ears. He closed his eyes, and slowly rolled his upper body back down, resting his head on his pillow. He took a couple of deep breaths in an attempt to steady himself. But it was proving to be much more difficult to calm himself this time. He needed help, but frowned at the solution he'd come to.

 _I at least have to try,_ he resolved. _But here goes nothing._

Swiftly, he reached for his phone on the night stand, and brought up his contacts. He punched the call icon next to Pepper's name, before his nerves had a chance to give out. It rang once. Then _t_ _wice._ Then _three_ times _._ This made him swallow hard, as it had always just gone to voice mail after the second ring in the past, an obvious indication that she'd rejected his call. His heart leaped with nervous anticipation as he prepared to hear her answer. But after the fourth ring, her voicemail message came on.

 _"This is Virginia Potts, CEO of Stark Enterprises. I am unable to take your call..."_

Tony growled. "Damn it, Pep!" he barked, disconnecting and slamming the phone back down on the night stand. He then drummed his fingers on his chest right over the round scar from where the arc had been, an old habit that had failed to die even after it had been removed, as he worked his jaw in thought.

 _You're surprised?,_ his mind asked.

"No. No, I'm _not_ surprised," Tony murmured back. "Not _really._ She has no reason to pick up. This is _my_ problem. Not _hers."_

XxXxXxXxXx

 _Two Weeks Earlier..._

 _Stark Enterprises, HQ_

 _Los Angeles, CA_

"Tony?" Pepper said, her eyebrows shooting straight up, and her eyes going wide in surprise at seeing him suddenly standing in front of her in the lobby area of Stark HQ the evening of the company holiday party. "What are you doing here?" she asked. Someone had mentioned to her that they'd thought they'd seen him come in earlier. But to this point, she and Tony had managed to evade each other.

However, here they were, now, standing at the same punch bowl, Pepper holding the ladle in mid-air, their hands both resting on the bottom of the same overturned plastic party cup. Pepper quickly jerked her hand away from the stack of cups, and Tony shoved his own in his pocket and looked away. Her eyes stayed glued, and unblinking, to his face.

Tony cleared this throat and turned his gaze back to hers, giving her a half-smirking smile, trying to mask the nervousness he suddenly felt being in her presence. "Hey, Pepper. Fancy meeting _you_ here, huh?" he joked, chuckling awkwardly. "But with it being the Christmas party, and _all,_ I thought I should..." He stopped, wincing, and leaning farther into her personal space, "I mean, is this okay? Am I not allowed to?..." he began again, speaking in a hushed tone.

Pepper spluttered and smiled at him sheepishly, setting the ladle back down in the bowl. "No, of _course_ you are...I never said that you... couldn't..." she stammered. She averted his eyes from his and bit her lips together to regain her composure. "I _mean_ it's...good to see you," she resolved. She gave him a polite smile. " _Really._ I'm just _surprised_ that you would _want_ to be _,_ um...given the circumstances of..."

Tony scoffed. " _Please,"_ he countered. "That's all been...It's..." He struggled to find the words, so he shrugged, and waved a hand in dismissal of her concerns. "Don't worry about it, huh?" he said finally. He tried to give her some kind of reassurance with a smile, but she frowned in response, clearly not believing in his efforts. "I mean _I'm_ certainly not mourning the loss of our..." he said, gesturing to himself. But he instantly regretted saying those words, as that was the _last_ path he wanted to take this conversation down, let alone the fact it was an out and out _lie_. She was all he could think about. Nothing about his feelings for her, in all of the time they'd been apart, had changed. No matter how much he'd tried to deny it.

Pepper inadvertently flinched in reaction to his words, and they shared a gaze for a few moments, their eyes betraying their words with every passing millisecond. For those brief moments, the masks were off. The charade was dropped. And what stood between them was pure unadulterated _heartache._

He could see her eyes had become somewhat glassy, but Pepper was the one to break from the moment first, not allowing anymore of her emotion to be revealed to him. She removed her gaze from his and smiled to herself. She then nodded and looked back up at him. "Good," she said. "That's...what I was _hoping_ you'd say."

"Good," Tony parroted, shrouding himself in bravado once more. He smiled cockily, and raised a hand to pat her shoulder jovially. "Glad to know you're not still _pining_ away, Pep. Onward and upward, as they say, right?" he joked, trying to sound nonchalant. However, the loss of mirth in his eyes made the smile on his mouth so obviously disingenuous that it almost made her shudder at its lonely chill.

" _Now._ If you'll excuse me? It _is_ a party after all. So I'll leave you to have a good time, huh?" he said, brushing past her, leaving her standing alone.

Pepper closed her eyes, and slowly exhaled, before once again opening them, and lifting them skyward. " _Christ,_ " she murmured to herself, the feeling of preemptive regret for what she was about to do seeping into her bones like black tar before she spun around on her heels and chased after him.

He was heading toward the bar when she'd caught up to him, reaching to stop him by laying a hand on his shirt sleeve. "Tony, _wait,_ " she said.

He noticed her trying to get his attention, his eyes going first to her fingers grasping his shirt, and then up to her eyes with a perplexed frown.

"It can't be this way," she explained. "You're coming with me, and we're dealing with this. The _right_ way."

"Pepper, what are you..." he started to ask, but stopped speaking as she hastily moved her hand from his sleeve to his hand, clasping it, and then pulling him out of the crowd toward somewhere more private.

Once they'd reached an out-of-the-way corner, Tony looked around him, and then smirked at her. "Can't say I thought a make out session was in the cards, but..." he quipped.

"It's _not._ And shut up. Just shut up," Pepper warned. She huffed, letting go of his hand and crossing her arms. She frowned and shook her head at him. "I can't do this with you."

"Do what?" Tony asked, feigning innocence.

"The _games_. The fake _pleasantries_. I just..." she said, pausing to exhale sharply. "I _can't,_ Tony. And neither should _you._ We're _better_ than this. We're better than..." she struggled to find the right words. "Small talk at a Christmas party. For God's sake! We haven't said two words to each other since..."

Tony's eyebrows raised. "Well, it isn't for lack of trying! _You're_ the one pushing me off to your assistant all the time! And _really?_ Are you actually telling me what I should and shouldn't _do_ right now?" he asked. Then he scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, _that's_ rich. In case you're forgetting, _Ms. Potts, you_ let _me_ go. So that makes me a _free_ man. To do and say _whatever_ I want _whenever_ I want. _With whomever_ I _want,_ " he countered defensively. "So if I just want to make small talk with you for the rest of my life? Then I'm going to just make _small talk,_ _Pepper_. As far _I'm_ concerned, the days of us and meaningful conversation are pretty much _over."_

Pepper redoubled and glared back at him. " _That_ just sounds like a man who needs the reassurance of listening to his own _voice!_ Not exactly _convincing,_ Tony!" she shot back.

He spluttered. "Oh?! And what reassurance would _that_ be, huh? The fact that I dodged the _marriage_ bullet, and did myself a favor by staving off the impulse to _shackle_ myself to...to..." He trailed off, as he could see the hurt growing in her eyes at his words. He frowned in disapproval at his own viciousness, as a soft sob suddenly escaped her lips.

Pepper quickly bit her bottom lip, and nodded in the affirmative. "Very well. You've made your point. _Clearly_ this was a mistake for me to try to make us work past anything, let _alone_ even making the _attempt_ at having any real semblance of civility between us! So, if you'll excuse me..." she replied, giving him a curt smile before quickly disappearing. She brushed past him, and he instantly swiveled around to watch her march away in haste, noticing her clap a hand over her mouth as tears started to fall.

"Pep? Pepper, wait!" he called after her, but, predictably, she didn't respond. " _Damn_ it," he huffed to himself, and he followed after her. The people around them watched as he hurriedly filed through the crowd, trying to stay on her tail. Finally, he caught up to her when she'd walked out the front door of the building, and down the walkway toward the parking lot. But he stopped in his tracks a few steps behind as she suddenly halted, watching as she leaned against the walkway railing, mashing the side of her fist into it, and began to bitterly sob.

" _Damn_ him," he heard her whisper through gritted teeth.

His heart fell when he heard this. "Pepper?" he weakly called to her after a moment.

She swiveled around in surprise to see him standing there, her eyes wide with alarm at first, and then quickly narrowing to glower at him. "Go _away!_ _Please!_ Haven't you done _enough_ for one evening?" she asked.

"I didn't mean it. _Any_ of it. I _swear,_ " he quickly offered. He briskly walked to where she stood, his eyes locked on hers as he moved, watching her with trepidation and pleading. She returned an expression of total defeat as he came to stand in front of her.

He gave her a pleading smile. "Can we start _over?_ " he asked.

Pepper frowned. "Define _starting over,_ " she demanded.

Tony put his hands up in surrender. "Don't freak out. I'm not asking you to... _forget_ all of the..." he stammered. He paused to clear his throat, and then he continued. "I mean I want to start the _conversation_ over. And _maybe_ try this civility thing _again?"_ he asked, wincing, and gesturing between them.

Pepper softened, slightly, but said nothing.

Tony continued. "You're right. We're better than this. We _were friends,_ Pep. Once upon a time. And I _do_ wish we could just... _talk,_ now. _Maybe_ like we _used_ to?" he explained, his expression soaked in sincerity and vulnerability, by which Pepper couldn't help but be somewhat disarmed, despite the ire she'd felt for him just moments before.

She couldn't help a soft smile, and she nodded in agreement. "I'd like that, _"_ she affirmed.

Tony smiled warmly at her, and reached to take her hand in both of his. "Then, if _that's_ the case, let me start by saying I'm _sorry,"_ he told her. "For what I said back there. You don't deserve that. _I_ screwed us up, not...not _you,"_ he admitted.

"Tony," she replied, but he held up a hand to stop her.

"No, Pep. I'm _serious._ I don't regret bringing up getting married. I could _never_ regret that. I just...regret the _timing,"_ he went on to explain. "Things were...a _mess._ They _still_ are, if I'm being honest. I just..." He stopped talking for a moment, and gave her a broken smile. "I don't wanna lose you for good. You know?" he offered. "Even if we are..." he began, his next words causing him to hesitate. "Just _friends,"_ he finished by saying. He suppressed a pained grimace, as he _really_ didn't want things between them to be relegated to just friendship. They were supposed to be so much _more_ than that.

Another sob escaped Pepper's lips, and two tears streaked down her cheeks. Tony gave her a sympathetic smile, and raised a hand to cup her cheek, wiping away one of the tears with the pad of his thumb.

"You know, I _still_ hate seeing you cry," he murmured to her, gazing at her lovingly.

Pepper spluttered out a soft chuckle, and smiled sheepishly at him through her tears. But then her expression changed to one of realization and surrender. "Oh, to _hell_ with it," she breathed, before she crashed their lips together.

Tony gasped in surprised at this unexpected move. But, he quickly let himself fall into the kiss, deepening it, and bringing his hands up to cup her cheeks affectionately for a moment before smoothing them down her neck, and her arms, and finally, down her sides and around her waist, pulling her body further into his embrace.

He felt Pepper's arms wrap around his neck, and her hand in his hair as she allowed him to pull her ever closer.

They continued for several moments, each of them savoring the others embrace until the kiss began to wind down, and they slowly pulled apart, breathless, chests heaving. Tony rested his forehead on hers, keeping his arms wrapped around Pepper's waist. They gave each other sheepish grin.

"Can I ask you why you suddenly decided to?..." he began, but Pepper stopped him by laying two fingertips on his lips.

She closed her eyes for a moment, and shook her head. " _Don't,_ " she warned, opening her eyes once again to look at him. "Don't ask questions right now. Let's just...be in the moment, hmmm?"

Tony smiled, and let out a breathless chuckle. "Funny. I remember having to tell _you_ the same _thing_ in that past, once or twice," he joked.

Pepper smiled softly at him teasing her.

He grinned back, and went in for another peck. Pepper kissed his lips, letting the kiss linger for a moment before it broke. But when it did, Tony bit his bottom lip, and slowly opened his eyes, smiling at her, savoring the taste of her kiss.

He took a hand that she had cupped at his cheek and brought her wrist to his lips. He kissed it softly, and then brought it to his chest, holding it gently in his hand. "Wanna get outta here?" he asked her, his voice a low, sultry rumble, and his expression doused in arousal.

But Pepper frowned. " _Excuse_ me?" she asked, pulling back to frown at him in objection, and removing her hands from his grasp at his chest. "Is _that_ where you think this is leading? A _hookup?"_

Tony put his hands up in surrender. "What?! _No._ No, no no," he stammered. "I just thought that... since _you_...I mean, _we_...it just seemed like..."

"Oh, _save_ it," Pepper warned, holding a hand up to stop him. "I get it now. You came here hoping to say a few sugary-sweet words to me to get me alone, and _then_ what? Huh? We'd go at it like a couple of drunk, horny college kids at a frat party?! Is _that_ where you think we should take things? With the casual, _friendly,_ one night stand?"

"Uh, for the _record?_ It was _you_ who suddenly decided to kiss _me, honey_ ," Tony retorted.

"A _mistake_ I'll be _sure_ not to make again," Pepper snidely assured. "As I'm now _well_ aware it was _completely_ misconstrued as an invitation for _sex!_ God _forbid,_ after _all_ of this time, we should be able to share _one,_ just _one_ tender moment, Tony, without your _libido_ getting in the way!"

Pepper stomped past him, going back toward the party, and Tony went after her again, but this time more angry than desperate to make amends.

" _My_ libido?! Who was the one who attacked _my_ lips and shoved her tongue down _my_ throat mid-sentence just now, huh?! I was _perfectly_ content with..."

Pepper swiveled on her heels, her eyes dark and fiery, as she marched back to where he stood just a few steps behind."For _your_ information, I most certainly did _not_ shove my tongue down your throat! And _nothing_ of yours was _attacked!_ I simply _kissed you!_ _That's_ the _definition_ of a tender moment!" she spat back. "That _doesn't_ mean that I suddenly want to get into bed with you! It just means that I was trying to show you some affection! Like I said! A _mistake!_ " Then she spun around and continued her trek back toward the building's entrance.

Tony spluttered in shock, and kept close on her heels. "Oh come _on,_ Pepper! I was just going along with what _you_ were doing! And you're being _ridiculous_ about this, might I add!"

Pepper stopped dead in her tracks, and turned abruptly around to face him again. "I think we're done here," she fumed, her expression ice cold. "Go _home,_ Tony. There's _nothing_ left for us, now. I think _that's_ clear."

Her words set him back on his heels. "No. Pepper, c'mon," he begged. He shook his head. "Don't say that. Don't do this. You don't mean it," he reasoned.

Her face began to contort with the onset of more tears, and she hastily swiped at the first few threatening to spill over on to her cheeks. She nodded. " _Oh,_ but I _do,"_ she said with bitter defeat.

Tony exhaled in complete despondence, his eyes searching her face for any last shred of hope in their future. But it was futile. He knew then, once and for all, that it was done between them. So, he collected what fragments of dignity he had left, and gave her a weak smile. He nodded. "Okay," he said softly. "You got it. I'll uh...I'll leave you alone, Pep. For _good._ "

He then turned on his heels, and walked away, feeling Pepper's eyes on him as he made his way toward his car. When he reached it, he yanked the driver's side door open, pausing once to give her a final pleading look. But she just averted her eyes, and looked down at the ground, a piercing stab shooting through his heart when she did it. So he quickly climbed in and jerked the door closed again. He jabbed the ignition button, the engine firing to life, just before he threw the car into gear and raced off out of the parking lot, not aware that Pepper had turned her eyes back up to watch him leave, and that once he was out of sight, she exhaled heavily. " _Damn_ him," she'd muttered again, shaking her head in disbelief at how ruined she knew she'd be over him for the rest of the night.


End file.
